My First and Last
by Frantic Emotions
Summary: I used his name to name my son, our son, Ruka Nogi. Now I know what he meant by not hurting me. He didn't want me to worry. He didn't want to see me miserable and he wanted me to take care of myself and have a good life. Oneshot


**Disclaimer: Own Gakuean alice?? I wish, in my dreams....hehe....I don't own Gakuen...**

**xheenie_cailiyu: **here's another oneshot fanfic. Hotaru and Ruka pairings.

**My First and Last  
****  
**"_The best part of my life,  
__was when I loved you  
__and you loved me back in return…."  
_a romance/hurt/comfort fanfic

He left me. . .This must have been the worst part of my life! We've been together for about 4 years. He proposed to me last year which I gladly accepted. We've got engaged a year later and 3 weeks from now, we'll get married. One night, he called me and said that we needed to see each other at the usual spot, he needed to tell me something important. I went to the place where we first met. The place where we knew more about each other, the place where he confessed and declared his love for me, it was on a bridge located at the park. There, I saw him. Standing in the middle of the bridge, his arms were on the hand rails, looking down the lake. I walked up to him, and as I looked at him, his usual smile was gone. His cerulean eyes showed sadness and I could tell myself that something bad happened. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me, bitterly. His eyes stared intently at me, as I felt the cold breeze touching our skin.

"What's wrong?" I started asked. He sighed, hugged me tight and I hugged him back. Just then, I felt a tear drop when he buried his forehead on my shoulder. I broke the hug and looked deep into his eyes, he was a bit teary-eyed.

"What is it that you wanted to tell me?" I asked again, hoping that this time, he'll answer my question.

"I. . . I love you. . ."he said. Okay, honestly, I've been used to these words. He always say those words every time we're together, but I don't mind. I love him too, but sometimes, I don't express it trough words. I think, he knows that I love him, so I don't need to tell him that.

"Baka. . .Is that all?" I asked him coldly and rolled my eyes.

"I'm sorry. . ." I heard him whisper and he lowered down his head. I was taken aback by what he said. Why would he apologize to me? What have he done wrong? I cant even remember that he did something wrong. I was confused.

"Sorry?" I blurted out. He held my hands and squeezed it gently.

"I. . . cant marry you." he managed to say.

I was shocked of what I heard. Have I heard it correctly? What was he saying? What did he meant by that? He's not going to marry me? Did he fell for someone else? For a minute there, I felt betrayed. I felt my eyes watered and tears suddenly rolled down on my cheeks.

"Y-. . .You're joking, right?" I said. I don't want to believe what he just said earlier.

"Why?" I asked, removing my hands from his hold.

"What's the reason?" I added as I clenched my fists.

"We can't be together. . ." he said.

"Stop beating around the bush! Get straight to the point!" I shouted at him. For the first time, I shouted at him. I may be a cold person, I may not be able to express my true feelings, but for the first time, I did and it was in front of someone I loved the most, Nogi Ruka.

He cried silently and looked away. We stayed like this for about 5 minutes, crying, staring and not talking at each other. He suddenly cupped my face with his hands, wiping away my tears.

"I've got to be honest with you. . ." he started.

"I can't marry you, 'cause you'll only get hurt and I don't want that to happen. . .I may not be able to tell you, but always remember, I love you. . ."he explained as he leaned his forehead on mine's. I looked at his face, memorizing his perfect features for the last time. The next thing he did, he kissed my forehead and lastly, my lips. I kissed him back. I felt that time stopped for us, both savoring the passionate actions we are sharing for the last time. I just wish that we'll stay like this forever, but to my dismay, it'll never will. He broke the kiss and hugged me tight again. When he broke the hug, he suddenly walked out from the scene. I looked back at him, watching him walk away. I cried, I didn't want him to go. I regretted everything. I regretted meeting him, regretted liking him, regretted loving him knowing that in the end, he'll leave me alone. I regretted, that for the last time, I wasn't able to tell him what I really feel. That I love him, as much as he loves me. He was my first love. But what I wont regret, was sharing each other the love we had, we made love. I never had any communication with him since then.

It's been years now, 5 years and 6 months to be exact. I had moved on and I never had nor decided to have any relationship since that break up. I looked up to the sky and gave out one of my 'rare' smile. I was on the bridge, where he broke up with me. I touched the hand rails and looked down at the lake below me. I felt envious, seeing some lovers down there, riding on a boat. I recently found out from Natsume, Ruka's best friend, why he broke up with me. He went to Germany, not even telling me that he had an incurable illness. He died there, and I wasn't able to see him again nor take care of him for the last time. It broke my heart when I knew about that shocking news. When he left, I felt like a part of me was missing. I wanted to die, but I can't do it. Knowing that I was actually pregnant by his child. I gave birth without him by my side. I used his name to name my son, our son, Ruka Nogi. Now I knew what he meant by not hurting me. He didn't want me to worry, he didn't want to see me miserable and he wanted me to take care of myself and have a good life.

Sometimes, he can be a real stupid by not relying on others, especially on me. But I can't blame him for doing that, that's what I liked and loved about him.

"Mommy!" a 5-year-old little Ruka called out. He had his amethyst eyes from me and his blonde hair from Ruka. He really resembles Ruka, even his attitudes, but he got his genius attitude from me. I carried my son and patted his head.

"What's the matter, little Ruka?" I asked him sweetly and smiled.

"Mommy, let's go to Auntie Mikan's house. I want to play with Natsumi." he said with pleading eyes.

"I'll think about it first. Do you really miss her?" I asked and I saw him blush. I smiled. He's actually like his father.

"Okay okay. We'll go to their house later, but first, you should behave and be a good there, ne?" I smiled at him, he nodded and hugged me. Even if he's up there, I know that he's always guiding us. He gave me a blessing, and it was our child.

"_He may be my first love, but he'll always remain as my first and last. He may be far away, but he'll always remain inside my heart." _

**THE END**

**xheenie_cailiyu: how was it? please review and tell me how was it! :):D**


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